@Death_Buddy: You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
@Dr_awfulpants: [at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* 'Your balance is: awful'
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall. Friend: Uh... You do know we're at my house right?
@KeetPotato: date: [breaks 3 minute silence] "you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me" me: [trying to pick up my beer] "i can do it"