@Death_Buddy: You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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@stanleybehrman: Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time? Sony tech support: We can't answer that kind of TV question, sir.
@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@Reverend_Scott: ME: You bring that cash you owe me? ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot. ME: No you didn't.