Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet