@wickedsuga: You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I'm gonna start performing an exorcism.
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@bombsydoll: Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
@Reverend_Scott: Have you decided on dinner? "Yes, I'll have the chicken, grilled." Very good. *hears waiter yelling at chicken* WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”