My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
brian had himself a morning…
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”