You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.