You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it