Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
the Monday after daylight savings
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.