Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Poetry is my passion
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows