Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
This probably isn’t good
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem