I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
You Might Also Like
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady