You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”