“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head