[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?