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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
pizza
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.