you stereotypes are all alike
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one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok