You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them