Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
A French press is when you hug naked
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.