[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
For the ones in the back.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals