You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
You Might Also Like
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022