You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
You Might Also Like
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.