My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.