@Mr_Kapowski: You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again
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@DannyZuker: My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse. The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
@mrjohndarby: Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*