“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
mumsnet is amazing
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.