You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.