@Jez1: You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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@david8hughes: [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
@causticbob: GF: "I'm telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn't make you any less important." BF: "Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto."
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@UncleDuke1969: Receptionist: "That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose." Plastic Surgeon: "Good! That'll save me some time. Send her right in."