@Jez1: You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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@Bandersnaaatch: Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it's where all of the other vital organs reside too.
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@brynnester: Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands? Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin
@iamspacegirl: [Drive-thru] CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir? CRONUS: omg what did I say