You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
bout dat hot dog summer
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.