“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
You Might Also Like
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
This is me 🤣🤣
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.