The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.