YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time