‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
(by @ZachWeiner )
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.