You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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Whoa… oh I see lol
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.