@JBelk78: You think I'm over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT'S over dramatic.
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@iwearaonesie: If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"
@LaziestCanine: [on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
@Douchekevin: At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today
@TheRolo: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance... Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready. Me: Oh ok nevermind.