Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*cough*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
This was a bad idea all around
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what