The future is now.
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds