That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You Might Also Like
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
😍😂🥰😂😍
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Wait a second…
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Cake safety first. Always.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.