The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.