You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I hate everything
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
WWE is French for “yes”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.