Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Pigeon open mic night.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”