My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
getting groceries