Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Morning.
You have been warned.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for