You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel