You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.