You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
You Might Also Like
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Accurate
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Seems legit
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.