get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I falcon love using swear birds
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds