@jake_lach: You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing
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@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.
@NurseSeymour: There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@SteveSuckington: [GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!