@jake_lach: You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing
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@jazmasta: [emergency room] "We need to put pressure on the wound!" [to wound] We've been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
@betulesairafi: I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I'm getting carried away.
@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.