Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
how much for the angry fruit?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.