You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂