I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: