A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me, in DM rooms…
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*