You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.