Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
i baked you a cake
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.