As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.