You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
first you must answer his riddles
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!