You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
is this store having a stroke wtf
a lot to unpack here
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good