@Underchilde: You think you’re not capable of violence, but then a bird sings at 6AM and you start researching surface-to-air missiles.
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@AlyssaDiSalle: Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
@_mindflakes: We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: "stop calling here"
@blondediva11: My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn't get me anymore. I. Don't. Want. A. Fish.
@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.